Every so often I get someone in the shop who asks me if I think vampires are real in a tone so serious I know if I say “yes” they’ll offer to suck my blood. So I usually dodge the question.
Of course I know people can and do drink blood, but that doesn’t make someone a vampire any more than hiding eggs makes you an Easter bunny.
There are however a host of real life creatures that live on blood, have retractable fangs, and fly through the night in a way far more vampire-like then any mortal human ever could hope to be. They are the real life vampires and they will be scored by how much more vampiric they are then the guy in Twilight.
1. The Vampire Mocking Bird
How alike are vampire mockingbirds and real vampires? Consider the following.
1. Both can fly.
2. Both live off blood.
3. Vampires preferred victims are buxom maidens in skimpy nightgowns.Vampire mockingbirds preferred victims are masked boobies.
4. Vampires are notoriously eloquent. Mockingbirds have the most versatile vocal range of any bird and can memorize over 200 unique songs patterns.
5. Lily Munster, a vampire, lived at 1313 Mockingbird lane. Vampire Mockingbirds, which are found in the Galapagos, have been spotted nesting at 3131 Lily Munster lane!
Overall Vampiric Score for the Vampire Mocking Bird- 5 times more Vampiric then the guy in Twilight.
2. Vampire Squid.
How alike are vampire squids and vampires? Consider the following-
1. Vampires only come out at night. Vampire squids are only found in the sea depths where it is always night because no light penetrates.
2. Both Dracula and Vampire Squids are noted for their demonic red eyes.
3. Instead of canine teeth, vampires have fangs. Instead of suckers, Vampire squid tentacles are covered in fangs.
4. Vampires where capes that resemble bat wings. A vampire squid has a webbing around it’s tentacles that resembles both a cape AND bat wings. Bonus points!
Overall Vampire Score for the Vampire Squid- 4.5
3. Vampire Finch
Pretty much the same as the Vampire Mockingbird, but without as much of a voice. However, bonus surprise point for being menacing while still a finch.
Vampire score: 4
4. Chinese Water Deer
Holy crap, did you see that? Does that deer have fangs?
Dude. Not only does the Chinese Water Deer have fangs, but they’re attached to their sockets with powerful muscles so that the can be extended and retracted just like a vampire!
Amazing! But they don’t drink blood or fly. Vampire score: 2