Monster Mondays: Mutant Unicorns

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unicorndeer_2, originally uploaded by Boju.

As part of the Dapper Cadaver Blog’s ongoing Monster Monday’s project, today I bring you the strangest perversion of a prevision of nature ever, The Mutant Unicorn. The Mutant Unicorn is proof that mankind as a species is little more than the 8 year old daughter of Dr. Frankenstein. We just want them to be real so bad, we’ll do anything to make it happen. The inbred little fellow above is a unicorn deer born in captivity in Italy. Park keepers are saying it’s just a genetic flaw, but I suspect the meddling hand of science.

The earliest mutant unicorn came in 1930, as a result of tinkering by the mad Dr. Dove of Maine. Hypothesizing that in a newborn horned animal the horn growing plate would not yet be fused to the skull, he cut into the head of a baby bull, removed both of it’s horns nodes and grafted them right between the eyes. The results are below

As a calf the bull discovered that it could charge any other bull and win, and for fear of having their brains impaled on a massive horn, all other bulls became submissive to it. Interestingly rather than becoming a, ahem, bully, the bulls dominance over the herd was so solid he rarely had to but heads or charge anyone. He did discover that his curved forhead horn was perfect for uprooting fences, and he loved to tear up peoples yards. Damn Unicorn Bull’s in the tomatoes again!

Our next Mutant Unicorn also came from the 30’s, behold the Unicorn Man of China.

Ripley wanted to place this man in his exhibit as the human unicorn, but he disappeared like an elusive unicorn not long after his photo was first taken. The mythical spiral horn was most likely a tumor.

During the cold war, atomic radiation could turn anything into lethal radioactive mutants, even unicorns!

When I was a kid in the eighties some “Naturalists” (read :Hippies) decided to create a Unicorn from a goat. They also “magically” removed the billy goats foul odor and grumpy disposition. IE, they did another Dr. Dove skull graft job, and removed his billy balls. The naturalists were named Morning Glory and Otter G’Zell (read: mega space hippies). They took they’re beautiful goaticorn on tour to county fairs and in the RIngling bros circus, which is where I saw it. While it was rather underwhelming to see a goat billed as a unicorn, one can’t deny that it only had one horn.

Otter G’Zell is currently headmaster at the Grey School of Wizardry, and wow, his story is so weird, just google it. Most recently his goaticorn appeared for a split second in a chewing gum commercial in which Snoop Doggy Dog goes to hell. I thought I was delirious until my wife confirmed my vision

The most recent mutant unicorn to pop up is this mutant horsicorn. Although this image is of unconfirmed validity. Some claim the horn is a painful growth, others claim it’s a work of art, and others claim it’s a unicorn. I believe someone may have finally had the brilliant notion of grafting a horn node onto a baby horses head. Now how can we graft on giant eagle wings to make a pegacorn?

As with Otter G’Zell’s goaticorn, the deericorn is attracting a devoted following of new age believers. Amazing what a little post-natal skin graft can do.