The Macabre and the Unusual

Monster Mondays

Monster Monday: Happy Fathers Day! 12 Best Horror Dads

Today a very special Monster Mondays looks at the famous fathers of monsterdom. As a soon to be dad, I’m interested in what each of these earthbound abominations can teach me about what makes a good parent, and what makes an unholy creature of the night.

Monsters are ranked in order of parenting skills.

12. Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
While I normally live my life by the motto WWVFD? when it comes to parenting the good doctor is about as bad as it gets. After creating a man out of corpses, he neglects to name it, insults its looks, abandons it, and then hunts it down to kill it. It’s clear in the book and many of the movies that the monster sees Victor as his father, and since the Doctor never gave him a proper name, the family name of Frankenstein is absolutely correct as the only name of the creature. Frankenstein deniers say the only Frankenstein was Victor, a statement the Dr would find a relieving since it takes up his position of denying the creature its family and humanity. “Frankienstein’s Monster” my ass. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Dr. Frankenstein is no more capable of parenting when it’s his own flesh and blood and not a reanimated corpse. Son of Frankenstein, Barron Wold Frankenstein, is alienated and spiteful of his father, who was always more a mad scientist then a family man.

11. The Mask.
I know nobody saw the Son of the Mask, but we all know it doesn’t have Jim Carry in it. So there’s that. Then there’s Ace Ventura Jr, which also doesn’t have Jim Carry in it. So together I can only assume that all of Jim Carry’s characters knock up anonymous women in the first movie then vanish before the monster in shortpants is born. Upcoming movies also featuring the bastard children of Carry: Sons of the Cable Guy, Dumbest Baby, Riddler on Ritalin, and Eternal Sushine on a Spotless Diaper.

10. Jack Torrance (From the Shining)
It’s an easy mistake to make. Take the kid on a work trip. It’ll be great, the boy can watch daddy do what he does, which in this case is more drinking then writing, and it’ll be a good chance to bond, which in this case means chasing him with an ax before freezing to death in a hedge maze. Another lesson learned, always do background checks on children’s entertainers. The last thing anyone wants to see is the guy in the bear suit going down on some old banker.

9. Humanoids from the Deep
Mutated fish men always want human women, whether it’s the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Abe Sapiens from Hellboy or Link from Monsters vs Aliens. But while Abe had class, Link was kids stuff, and the bathing beauties in Creature were all carp-teases, only Humanoids actually shows what fishmen want our women for. In a word, breeding. Lots of gratuitous breeding.  The result of the Humanoids cross breeding was a hideous monster, but I think they’re just using fish on female rape to try and create mermaids. Also the Creature Jr. recorded a calypso track back in the 50′s that’s worth checking out.

8. Face Hugger

Typical, in the world of aliens and people, the queen gets all the credit for parenting and seldom do we stop to appreciate the faceless father.  In both his anatomy and behavior the face hugger seams like nothing more then a teenage boy, a brainless male, nothing but hands and penis, choosing people at random and sticking  his ovipositor in their throat, then running away, never to be seen again.  Now, aliens being a good family movie, they never actually show the ovipositor, but the creature designs make it clear this is man-junk being crammed down your throat. Early concept sketches were even more explict. Implicitly NSFW

7.Dr Moreau

Parents often make the mistake of thinking their child is just a minature version of themselves, and Dr Moreau proves just how creepy that can be. Dr. Moreau’s other children are mutant human hybrids that he tries to control and/or transcend their true nature with drugs and electrical punishment. His lack of recognition of his children’s own identities, and the fact that hes a drugged up looney and they’re tortured manimal monsters, leads to him being killed by a valuable lesson.

6. Gizmo

Gizmo is the reactionary father. His love is great, but it is not unconditional. If you piss him off, or turn out different from how he wanted, he will hunt you down and fucking kill you. Granted, mogwis are cute and gremlins are hideous monsters, but they’re still his kids. Gizmo seems out of his league when it comes to parenting, like he’d rather be friends with his kids then their dad. He skips over fatherly advice, tough love, and spankings and instead goes from friend to doormat to child murderer. But how can I stay mad at that cuddly face?

5. Dracula

Dracula does everything with class and excess, and fatherhood is no different. He is the big love vampire, with 3 wives, a crush he follows across the continent and a floozy he messes around with on the way. All that lovin is boundto produce a legacy, or in his case a lega-she. Dracula’s first and finest child is his daughter, Countess Marya. She inherits her dads class and charm, as well as flair for fashion, good looks, and imense power. Her younger brother is a much dimmer bulb of the bunch, going by the name Count Alucard and figuring no one will notice its Dracula spelled backwards. Dracula seems to be the only fertile vampire in the world, able to produce offspring through sex instead of just creating more vampires through feeding. In Van Helsing Drac’s almighty seed produce not a sexy daughter and an idiot son, but a hord of bat winged vampirlings who even from infancy he comands as his unholy army of conquest. That’s parenting.

4. Father McGruder (from Dead Alive)

Father McGruder starts the film as quite possibly the greatest holy man the cinema has ever filmed. When zombies start rising from the cemetery at this priests parish, he leaps into the undead thick of things with a mighty battle cry of “I kick ass for the Lord” and starts laying out zombies with Kung Fu. Inevitably he’s overpowered and becomes a zombie himself, but now freed from his vow of chastity he seduces a zombie nurse and they soon have a zombie baby. This makes him a rare, double father, or priest with a bastard, and as a bonus, zombie priest with zombie bastard. Father shows genuine affection for both his baby mama and the undead brat, and even though he can’t leave the basement where his shackled, gets a human to nanny his child and take him to the park where he can chase dogs and eat them.

3.Godzilla

Godzilla seems to be an awesome father, attentive, protective, fun on trips to the city, but I’m not quite sure if he should be on the list. I mean, sure, He’s always called the King of Monsters, but he’s a King who lays eggs and likes to snuggle. Is Godzilla actually a She-la monster?

2. Grandpa Munster

Like Dracula, to whom Grandpa is somehow related, the senior Munster is also an excellent father figure. Like Drac, he’s also blessed with a hot daughter, but he one ups his more famous fiend by raising 2 generations of monsters, and adopting the abandonned Frankenstein Monster, who now goes by the name Herman. We all know what a horrible upbringing Frankenstein had, so it’s no surprise that he takes his wifes maiden name upon marriage and is known from then on as Herman Munster.

1. Gomez Addams

Lots of dads get “Worlds Greatest Dad” t-Shirts, but only Gomez Addams actually deserves it. Sorry every other dad. Unless you can check off every single one of the following father qualities, you’ll always be in Gomez’s shadow : Fatherly advice, striped suit, let chldren play in his electric chair, paternal muostache, buried family members in the back yard, stogie, bug eyes, millions of dollars, and he didn’t just let his kids get away with murder, he encouraged it.

Comments? Questions? Monster dads left out? Post comments here


Monster Mondays – Celtic Halloween Spirits

Earlier I wrote on Celtic origins of Halloween and the important changes that took place with the Holiday in America. Today for Monster Mondays I’m going to look at the early Monsters of Celtic Halloween. The traditional holiday bears little resemblance to the Halloween we know now. It was not a celebration of death, horror, and thrills, but a harvest festival and new years eve celebration. The most important practices involved fortune telling, making predictions for the coming year, and it was believed that on this day ordinary rules did not apply, and souls, spirits, and fairies could be present on earth.  Most descriptions of what souls,spirits, and fairies visit earth are rather vague, but a few specific supernatural creatures are named. As is usually the case, the first at the party are the first to go, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of the Celtic Halloween monsters doing the Monster Mash or out trick-or-treating.

Cailleach Bheur -Also known as Cally Berry (no relation to Hallie Berry), Old Woman Winter, The Blue Hag, The Storm Hag, and The Veiled One. In all respects, the Cailleach is a god and not a monster. She is the embodiment of winter reborn every Samhain/Halloween and turned to stone, or to a tree, or to a young woman every Beltane. Her staff can freeze anything with a touch and she is the gaurdian of the animals. Some say she carvedthe Mountains of Scotland with a hammer and pick. She once fell asleep while pumping a well, flooding the valley and killing hundreds. That valley is now Loch Awe.

Aillen Trechenn, The Three Headed Monster.  Also known as the Ellén Trechend. It emerges from it’s cave every Halloween to wreck havoc. It laid Ireland to waste with it’s fire breath and was killed not once but twice, by the heroes Amergin and Fion Mac Comhaill. Despite it’s appearance being an annual event and multiple heroes claiming to kill it. There’s a lot of disagreement on what it was. Somesay a three headed dragon, others a beast, others a bird, and some say it was not one but a whole swarm of three headed things.

Hwch Ddu Gota -The black swine or specteral pig. Some say this pig was the embodiment of the Devil. Long past midnight when the raging Bonfires of Halloween died down to embers, the black swine would be born from those embers to catch and murder any drunkards still lagging about at the festival. The ultimate blow off.

Stingy Jack – For the scoop on Stingy Jack, see my previous post on the origin of Trick or Treating

Cutty Sark is the nickname given to the sexy witch in Robert Burns’ classic1790  narrative poem Tam O’Shanter. The poem is not about Halloween per se, but at the same time sets a template for the American version of Halloween to come. Burns does have a poem called Halloween but it is much more in the Celtic Tradition of Bonfires, New Years, and Story telling, and little about the ghastly celebration we know as Halloween.

Tam O’Shanter however tells of a Scotsman out drinking (shocking right?) well past the witching hour. When he finally leaves the pub the streets are alive with horrors and the undead. He sneaks to the center of the horrors where he finds the devil himself dancing with a coven of witches. In their macabre merriment they cast off their clothes, but because they are all old hags,Tam nearly loses his lunch. In their midst though is one beautiful young witch wearing a “Cutty Sark” which I’ve found translated as short skirt, low cut top, or underwear. What ever she was wearing, it was given to her as a child and was now barely containing her bursting woman hood.  Tam got so excited he hollared out, as drunks are prone to do at sexy women,  and set the devil and all his witches chasing him.

Dancing, drinking, horrors and sexy costumes. Sounds like the Halloween I know.

Cutty looks good for being 219 years old.

From Tam O’Shanter

Inspiring bold John Barleycorn!
What dangers thou canst make us scorn!
Wi’ tippenny,
[ale] we fear nae evil;
Wi’ usquabae, [whiskey]
we’ll face the devil!
The swats sae ream’d in Tammie’s noddle,
Fair play, he car’d na deils a boddle,
But Maggie stood, right sair astonish’d,
Till, by the heel and hand admonish’d,
She ventur’d forward on the light;
And, wow! Tam saw an unco sight!

Warlocks and witches in a dance:
Nae cotillon, brent new frae France,
But hornpipes, jigs, strathspeys, and reels,
Put life and mettle in their heels.
A winnock bunker in the east,
There sat auld Nick, in shape o’ beast;
[the devil]
A towzie tyke, black, grim, and large,
To gie them music was his charge:
He screw’d the pipes and gart them skirl,
Till roof and rafters a’ did dirl. -
Coffins stood round, like open presses,
That shaw’d the Dead in their last dresses;
And (by some devilish  cantraip leight)
Each in its cauld hand held a light.
By which heroic Tam was able
To note upon the haly table,
A murderer’s banes, in gibbet-airns;
Twa span-lang, wee, unchristened bairns;
A thief, new-cutted frae a rape,
Wi’ his last gasp his gabudid gape;
Five tomahawks, wi’ blude red-rusted:
Five scimitars, wi’ murder crusted;
A garter which a babe had strangled:
A knife, a father’s throat had mangled.
Whom his ain son of life bereft,
The grey-hairs yet stack to the heft;
Wi’ mair of horrible and awfu’,
Which even to name wad be unlawfu’.
Three lawyers tongues, turned inside oot,
Wi’ lies, seamed like a beggars clout,
Three priests hearts, rotten, black as muck,
Lay stinkin, vile in every neuk.

As Tammie glowr’d, amaz’d, and curious,
The mirth and fun grew fast and furious;
The Piper loud and louder blew,
The dancers quick and quicker flew,
The reel’d, they set, they cross’d, they cleekit,
Till ilka carlin swat and reekit,
And coost her  duddies to the wark,
[cast off her clothes]
And linkit at it in her sark!
[lookin' at her nekkid]

Cutty Sark became a popular motif for the figureheads of boats, then the name of the Clipper ship with the Cutty Sark masthead, then finaly the scotch whiskey with the clipper ship on the label. It’s the perfect scotch for drinking until you face the devil.


Monster Mondays: Franken-Flies

Today Dapper Cadaver’s Monster Mondays goes deep into the Laboratory to find the freakiest flies man has ever made. See, fruit flies are like legos to scientists. They’re simple, cheap, and both easy and fun to tinker with. The result is swarms of strange mutant flies nature never intend but with cool new features and new insights into helping people overcome horrible diseases and disorders. Below Are some of the best. Oh, and by the way, genes are named like drugs.

White Rabbit- Add the gene white rabbit to a fruit fly and you’ve got a fly that can’t get drunk. Why? To win fly drinking contests and help find a treatment to alcoholism.

Cheapdate – These flies get staggering drunk off the tiniest portion of booze. Again the reason is to help treat alcoholism, but the name leads me to believe these flies are being taken advantage of.

Gr66a – Flies that drink coffee.

Kojak – Hairless flies

Groucho – flies with moustaches.

Ken and Barbie- flies with no external sex organs but lots of hot  outfits and cars.

Kenny – flies which die quickly and violently all the time, just like Kenny on South Park!

Van Gogh - flies with swirling hair patterns like Van Goghs Starry night. Bred to swarm fancy cafes.

I’m Not Dead Yet (INDY)- flies which don’t age and live twice as long as natural fruit flies.

Fruity - Male flies with a mutant gene that leads them to court with other males.

Dunce- mutant flies unable to remember anything, despite electric shocks.

Go-go – mutant flies that twitch and shake.

Hot Shi.TS – a mutant flie that acts normal at room temperature but acts drunk in the heat.

Living Dead – flies that look dead but act alive. Zombies Flies.

Sonic Hedgehog – messes up hair growth of larvae.

Tricky Dick – flies with distorted male genetailia.

But wait, there’s more!

Every muntant fly man has discovered or mad is listed here


Monster Mondays: Tyrannosaurus Feathers

Today, Dapper Cadaver’s Monster Mondays has some sad news. Word is pouring in from China of new Dinosaurs, fluffy and covered with delicate colorful plumage. First it was the Velociraptors, once proud ninja’s of the dinosaur world, now just toothed roosters, complete with cocks-comb and dwaddle. More recent finds of fluffy dinos include several Tyrannosaurids. The greatest real monster to ever walk the earth is about to get a make-over in fabulous feathers. It’s absurd. Imagine you’re in a broken down jeep on Jurassic Park, you hear a thump, the water in your cup does that dino sensing thing that you keep cups of water in the car for, then you hear a deafening “Gobble-gobble-gobble” as the largest turkey you’ve ever seen steps out of the woods.

It hasn’t happened yet. The feathered Tyrannosaurids the Chinese have discovered aren’t the King beast, Tyrannosaurus Rex, just his scrawny uncles and cousins, but storm clouds are gathering on the distant pasts future. In 5 years time our children won’t be able to tell Big Bird from Rex, and in 10 years time I wouldn’t be surprised if we stopped calling Tyrannosaurs, Drommeosaurs, and Oviraptors “Feathered Dinosaurs” and started calling them “Toothed Birds.” It must be stopped. If we can make Pluto a planet again through through the shear force of nostalgia, then science be damned, we can keep TRex scaly and terrifying. Join me!

The idea of wearing feathers sickens T Rex’s only living relative, Godzilla.

But Godzilla may not be the only surviving radioactive mutant T Rex for long, apparently, one of the scientists who worked on Jurasic Park (I knew it was a true story!) is working on genetically engineering Chickens to give birth to mutant chicken-osauruses. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Kids need scary monsters to eat there smaller toys and to team up with Batman in kids crayon drawings, to fight cowboys, give King Kong a run for his money, and, scientifically speaking, be 51% MOTHERFUCKER, 49% son-of-a-bitch.

Will T-Rex still be the motherfucker we love and fear if he goes from this to this?

its the new you

its the new you

In closing, I would like to once and for all establish T-Rex as the scaly Tyrant King of Pimps by giving the people what we always wanted- Tyrannosaurus Sex

If you’d like to support the keep T-Rex scaly movement, you can help by buying a Tyrannosaurus skeleton.


Monster Mondays: The Mysterious Lemur Boy of Qatar

Today’s Dapper Cadaver Monster Monday comes from a hot tip that came out just this weekend. The English language “Gulf Times” ran a translation of a Qatar story that featured this creepy photo, and the following text

A mysterious figure resembling a human being was sighted on the Doha Corniche’s parking lot, according to a report published in a local Arabic daily.
The report is based on the statement of an Arab expatriate lady who said she had seen the strange figure near the Oryx statue while walking in the area.
Quoting the woman, the daily said she took a picture of it in spite of being terribly frightened.
“She was very soon surrounded by a large number of people who also attested to the fact of what she had seen . But it suddenly disappeared out of their sight when they tried to go near it,” the report added.”

Some have speculated it’s an escaped Aye-Aye, a kind of hideous lemur native to Madagascar but known to have hilarious adventures adventures in other parts of the world thanks to their anthropomorphic penguin pals.

Others think its a childrens toy (below) and the report that it scurried away is desert induced delierium, like when your buddy starts looking like an ice cream cone.

However, the government of Qatar knew that living self aware half-beast toys would be a problem, which is why they banned them four months ago.  There’s a website called Gen-Pets that purportedly sells living toys that are genetically engineered creatures with a 1 year lifespan and a mix of human and animal genes. The Qatar press ran a front page story on it which led to them nipping the frankentoy craze before the rest of the world even heard about it. They probably had a big problem with them, and this is on of the many gen-pets living feral on the streets today. Always remember to spay and neuter your freaks of nature.

qatar band gen-pets

qatar bans gen-pets

The article states “ Qatar has banned a toy called Gen-pets and had sent letters of warning to all of the Arabic countries to tell them about this toy and to ban it.”

The article also states”

  • That the Jordanian Cabinet prohibited its import into Jordan
  • That religious scholars consider it a violation of human rights and Islamic law “which prohibits mixing human genes and animal genes” (This is a quote from a religion professor at the University of Jordan).”

Also don’t get them wet or feed them after midnight

Now I know a lot of nay-sayers out there are saying that gen-pets are a hoax and the government of Qatar would look pretty foolish if that were true, but the feral gen-pet seen in a grocery store parking lot proves either they’re real, the press has made the populace terrified of dolls to the point of delirious paranoia, or you can get anything into a Qatar newspaper.


Monster Mondays – Bonnacon

Bonnacon is really a creature where the less said about it the better. So I’ll just go straight to the source. Pliny the Elder, author of the worlds first Natural History Encyclopedia and one of ancient Greece’s most brilliant writers. His Natural History is over 160 volumes long and holds the closest thing we have to a complete record of Greek knowledge at that point. He must have thought no one would possibly read the whole thing when he slipped in this gem.

“Pliny- “There are reports of a wild animal in Paeonia called the bonnacon, which has the mane of a horse, but in all other respects resembles a bull; its horns are curved back in such a manner as to be of no use for fighting, and it is said that because of this it saves itself by running away, meanwhile emitting a trail of dung that sometimes covers a distance of as much as three furlongs (half a mile), contact with which scorches pursuers like a sort of fire.”

Yes, Bonnacon is Buffalo followed by half a mile of flaming dung. But words aren’t enough to convey it’s might. We need ridicules illuminated manuscripts of knights getting buffalo shit on them. Better bring a shield.


Monster Mondays – Dolichocephaloids


Todays Monster Monday from Dapper Cadaver travels down the spine of the Americas to Peru, circa 2000 years ago for a kind of person bizarre and real, the Dolichocephaloids or Peruvian Coneheads. There is currently a video going around getting a lot of attention saying they were found in Siberia. This video is wrong, they are from Peru.


What we do know about the Dolichocephaloids is limited, what we believe about them is vast, and what we don’t know about them is enormous.

What we do know – These guys had really long squash shaped heads. They were human. They lived in Peru roughly 2000 years ago. There were a lot of them.

Most had brains the same size as other humans (1400-1600cc) others had larger brains, up to 2000cc or 2 liters. If you want to experience how much larger that is get a human skull and fill the brain case up with soda. Empty a whole 2 liter bottle. Whatever spills on your desk is how much bigger their brains are then ours.


What we believe – leading scientific theories about the coneheads is they were an elite class of Peruvian, they seam to show signs in their graves of wealth and power. They do seam to be a class rather then a race of Peruvians, as they are almost always found with many normal people around them. It is believed that the conehead shape was achieved by binding an infants skull at a very young age to warp its growth. We believe they believed these deformed skulls would give them power, possibly mystical powers.

Pseudo-science believes these people are human-alien hybryds, a lost race, mystical mutants, psychics, telekenetics, and more.

The documentary “Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” explains a lot of these theories.

It’s also possible they deformed their skulls for the sake of beauty, similar to the beautiful deformities of foot binding and augmented breasts.

Some believe the deformations were done as punishments. Although it is known the Peruvians would often use mutilation as punishment against conquered peoples or enemies, the Dolichocephaloids seam both privileged and deformed in a way that could not be done quickly against someones will. However, recent findings of a conehead in a lower-class village with clearly mutilated bodies is extremely mysterious.

Since we haven’t shaped a human skull into that form in over 2,000 years, we only can hypothesize, and not test, how it was done and what effect, if any, it had on the persons brain and mental abilities.


Monster Mondays: Phantom of the Oscars

The Academy Awards, AKA,the Oscars, have a notorious history of nominating dramas beyond all other categories. In fact 49% off all the Best Pictures out there are dramas, according to Oscar. Fighting for the left over scraps of best picture awards are the genres, in order comedy, epic, musical, action-adventure, war, suspense, and crime. Horror doesn’t make the list, having only one win for best picture 90 years. And if you’re wondering about how comedy came in second, you’re not alone. According to the Oscars the greatest comedies of all time include Tom Jones (1963), The Sting (1973),The Apartment (1960), Terms of Endearment (1983), Driving Miss Daisy (1989), Shakespeare in Love (1998) and American Beauty (1999). Hilarious?

While they seldom win best picture, or anything at all, some really landmark horror films have been nominated for Oscars. Here’s a history of Horror at the Academy I like to call
“The Phantoms of the Oscars”


1927 – Metropolis
Nominations: 0
Winner for Best Picture: Wings
Why it should have won: Metropolis is a ground breaking picture way ahead of it’s time in calling for sex robots and middle management. The special effects are still mesmerizing as is the performance of Bridgette Helm.
Why it didin’t Win: Too weird, too nihilistic ,too German.
Verdict: Oscar the Grouch!


Nominations: 0
Winner of Best Picture: Cavalcade.
Why it should have won: Groundbreaking special effects, infectious enthusiasm. Hot monkey on girl action.
Why it didn’t win: Oscars known anti-monkey prejudices.
Verdict: I think Oscar is trying to make it up to the original King Kong by giving an Oscar to every King Kong since and even that imitator Mighty Joe Young. Unfortunately all this just feels like a slap in the face. Stop awarding the copycats and just give a honorary oscar to the OG already.


1935 – Bride of Frankenstein
Nominations: 1
Wins:0
Winner of Best Picture: Mutiny on the Bounty


1939 – The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Nominations: 2
Wins: 0
Winner of Best Picture: Gone with the Wind


1960- Psycho
Nominations:4
Wins:0
Winner of Best Picture: The Apartment


1968 – Rosemary’s Baby
Nominations: 2
Wins:1 Best Actress in a Supporting Role, Ruth Gordon
Winner of Best Picture: Oliver!
Note: We have our first horror movie to win an Oscar! Although the real stars didn’t win – Roman Polanski’s oscar nominated screenplay and the amazing lead actress Mia Farrow.


1971 – A Clockwork Orange
Nominations: 4, including best director, best picture, and best writing
Wins: 0
Winner of Best Picture: The French Connection
Note: Watch the French Connection back to back with A Clockwork Orange to experience what it must have been like to live in 1971, a time when Oscar had balls.


1976 – Carrie
Nominations: 2
Wins:0
Winner for Best Picture: Rocky
Should have won: Taxi Driver
Note: Still basking in the ballsy glow of Oscar in the 70′s


1980 – The Shining
Nominations: 0, 0? Seriously? That movie ruled.
Wins: You can’t win if you’re not nominated.
Winner of Best Picture: Ordinary People
Note: The 70′s ended with one of the greatest horror movies of all time not even getting nominated.


1980 -Alien
Nominations:2
Wins: 1 for best visual effects! We have our second Oscar winning Horror movie!


1982 – Poltergeist
Nominations: 3
Wins: 0

1982 – Blade Runner
Nominations: 2
Wins: 0
Winner of Best Picture: Ghandi
Note: We can all agree 1982 was an awesome year for movies and we can all agree cyborgs and ghosts in the TV could take Ghandi for a ride any time they want.


1984 – Ghostbusters
Nominations: 2
Wins: 0
Winner of Best Picture: Amadeus
Note: Since the telephone had only been invented early that year, American’s were captivated by it. The Ghostbusters “Who You Gonna Call?” theme song was nominated for best original song Oscar but lost to Stevie Wonder’s “I just Called to Say I love You.” Both of them make great voicemail messages.


1991 – Silence of the Lambs
Nominations: 7
Wins: 5 including Best Picture
FINALLY! Thank you Oscar. I’ll stop bitching now and let you go back to business as usual.


1993 – Nightmare Before Christmas
Nominations:1
Wins:0
Winner of Best Picture: Schindler’sList
Note: Lets see you try selling Schindlers List babydoll T’s at Hot Topic!


1995 – Se7en
Nominations: 1
Wins: 0
Winner of Best Picture: Braveheart


2005 – Pan’s Labyrinth
Nominations:6
Wins: 3
Note: It took 15 years but we finally have another Horror(ish) film winning multiple Oscars. That means on my top ten list of Oscar winning horror it’s number 2, right after Silence of the Lambs, and right before Alien, Rosemary’s Baby, and 6 empty slots.

If there’s any justice in the Academy Hellboy II will get the Oscar for best Makeup, beating out critic favorites Benjamin Button and the Dark Knight. Go watch the Troll market scene again and tell me that’s not as good as old age stipple and runny clown face.


Monster Mondays – Dumbo Octopus


dumbo-octopus, originally uploaded by Boju.

Today Dapper Cadaver’s Monster Monday Blog dives down to the bottom of the sea for one of the strangest, and rarest creatures on earth- the Dumbo Octopus.

They live all over the world in depths of 12,000 feet and below. They’ve discovered new species of them as recently as 2007 and while most are 20cm and below, some grow to over 5 feet. If you’re in Sarasota, Florida, then I highly recommend visiting the Mote Marine Laboratory which is offering lectures and encounters with their favorite sea monsters, including the dancing pink elephant with the weird ear-wings, the dumbo Octopus.

Watching the Dumbo Octopus swim is like watching a bird crossed with a pac-man ghost. It flaps its wings instead of jets around like it’s blue water cousins. It also has unnervingly human eyes, complete with what appears to be pink eye lids, whites, and irises. Their familiar eye just adds to their oddness though, as there is nothing else familiar about their face, and you can’t figure out which end is the front.

Closer to the ground they move by spinning and fluttering their webbed arms like a pinwheel.

The males are armed with a tentacle-like hectocotylus, which is a word you really ought to know if you watch enough anime.


Monster Monday – Ugjuknarpak


7swims, originally uploaded by Boju.

Todays Monster Monday by Dapper Cadaver comes from the Inuit (eskimo) people of Alaska, behold the mighty Ugjuknarpak! The unkillable sea-mouse of the sea that is also a giant!

Ugjuknarpak’s name derives from the gurgling sound his victims make as he wraps his long prehensile tail around their necks and drags them under. His friends call him Ugjuk for short. Ugjuk doesn’t have any friends though, because no one goes near Ugjuk’s island. Ugjuk has exceptional hearing and speed, and a hide that cannot be pierced by any hunters weapon. Try kayaking over to his place and you’ll be dead before you leave the harbor. All that will be leftis your overturned canoe.

Do not f*ck with this mouse!


Monster Monday – Memecoleus

memecoleous
Today’s Dapper Cadaver Monster Monday creature comes from India, by way of Europe. You see there was a lot of disagreement over what exactly a Manticore was. Some described it as a lion with the head of a man. Some described it as a lion with wings. Some described it as a lion with both the head of a man and wings. Some said it was like a were- lion that men turn into. Some described it as a lion with the head of a man, huge jaws with three rows of teeth, the tail of a scorpion and a voice like trumpets. This man was Pliny the Elder and he was considered brilliant. Some said the Manticore wasn’t actually part lion but part tiger. This was crazy and clearly wrong, so they decided if a Manticore was part tiger instead of part lion it was a Memcoleous and it must be from India because that’s where tigers are from. This helped a little, but they still couldn’t decide what a Manticore was and only agreed on the lion part. This is probably because no one has ever seen a Manticore.

This is not a Manticore but it might be a Memecoleous.


Monster Mondays – Killer Geese


monster goose, originally uploaded by Boju.

By now you’ve probably heard America’s borders are under attack. Canada has launched an armada of killer geese in an attempt to shoot down American aircraft. Earlier this week, US Airbus 320 was struck by a flock of Canadian Geese, taking out its engines, and forcing it to crash into the Hudson River. Fortunately everyone survived, but be warned, killer geese are intent on striking again.

As part of Dapper Cadaver’s Monster Mondays today I invite you to gander at a gaggle of ghoulish geese.


Dromornis- The Great Goose of Armageddon
Dromornis were flightless geese over 10 ft tall that ate meat and plants and terrorized Australias first aborigines. They were a cryptid known as Mihirung paringmal to the aborigines, and considered mythological until they’re skeletons were unearthed in the 20th century. These were basically dinosaurs dressed in goosedown. And there wasn’t just one of them, there were dozens of species, including the giant, carnivorous Bullockornis, so named because a giant killer goose sounds like a load of bullocks.


Dasornis – The Toothed Terror of the Sky.
These geese could easily take down a plane, since they were almost as big as a Cesna.Dasornis had a wingspan of 20 feet, and a long crocodile beak lined with jagged teeth. The circled the shores of England 50 million years ago.

With such monsters in Gooses not to distant past, it’s no wonder they’re so prone to attack, whether by chasing you in the park or shooting down on passenger planes. So grab your pitchfork and light the torch, it’s time to storm the castles of Count Duckula


Monster Mondays: Real Vampire Animals


vampire bat, originally uploaded by Boju.

Every so often I get someone in the shop who asks me if I think vampires are real in a tone so serious I know if I say “yes” they’ll offer to suck my blood. So I usually dodge the question.

Of course I know people can and do drink blood, but that doesn’t make someone a vampire any more than hiding eggs makes you an Easter bunny.

There are however a host of real life creatures that live on blood, have retractable fangs, and fly through the night in a way far more vampire-like then any mortal human ever could hope to be. They are the real life vampires and they will be scored by how much more vampiric they are then the guy in Twilight.

1. The Vampire Mocking Bird

How alike are vampire mockingbirds and real vampires? Consider the following.
1. Both can fly.
2. Both live off blood.
3. Vampires preferred victims are buxom maidens in skimpy nightgowns.Vampire mockingbirds preferred victims are masked boobies.
4. Vampires are notoriously eloquent. Mockingbirds have the most versatile vocal range of any bird and can memorize over 200 unique songs patterns.
5. Lily Munster, a vampire, lived at 1313 Mockingbird lane. Vampire Mockingbirds, which are found in the Galapagos, have been spotted nesting at 3131 Lily Munster lane!

Overall Vampiric Score for the Vampire Mocking Bird- 5 times more Vampiric then the guy in Twilight.

2. Vampire Squid.

How alike are vampire squids and vampires? Consider the following-
1. Vampires only come out at night. Vampire squids are only found in the sea depths where it is always night because no light penetrates.
2. Both Dracula and Vampire Squids are noted for their demonic red eyes.
3. Instead of canine teeth, vampires have fangs. Instead of suckers, Vampire squid tentacles are covered in fangs.
4. Vampires where capes that resemble bat wings. A vampire squid has a webbing around it’s tentacles that resembles both a cape AND bat wings. Bonus points!

Overall Vampire Score for the Vampire Squid- 4.5

3. Vampire Finch

Pretty much the same as the Vampire Mockingbird, but without as much of a voice. However, bonus surprise point for being menacing while still a finch.

Vampire score: 4

4. Chinese Water Deer

Holy crap, did you see that? Does that deer have fangs?



Dude. Not only does the Chinese Water Deer have fangs, but they’re attached to their sockets with powerful muscles so that the can be extended and retracted just like a vampire!


Amazing! But they don’t drink blood or fly. Vampire score: 2


Monster Mondays – Save the Water Monster, Axolotl


axolotl precioso, originally uploaded by girl next door ...

In the canals beneath Mexico City and in the lake that surrounds it lives the Axolotl or “Water Monster.” It is an ancient race of up to 2 ft long salamander that Aztecs say are the direct descendent’s of Xototl, the dog headed god of Death. I think they look more like pokemon with their cartoonish eyes and mouths and anime style external gills.

In 1998 the waters of Lake Xochimilco held 1500 axolotl per square mile, when surveyed this year it was a mere 25 per square mile. Scientists are now saying this otherworldly creature may only have five years left on the planet before it succumbs to extinction.


“What are axolotl good for?” you might ask. Well, they’re good for a lot of things. First off they’re inherently good. Then their bizarre appearance and gentle nature make them excellent pets. Or excellent tamales. Their soft flesh is apparently delicious and has been part of the Aztec and Mexican diet as long as there have been people there. The locals also make folk medicine with them.

They’re also true freaks. They become sexually mature adults while still in the larval stage, and can remain larval their entire lives. That’s like a race of polliwogs that breed and grow huge and never turn into frogs. This strange condition makes them able to regrow lost limbs, tails, nerve, heart, and brain cells. Science has long utilized these creatures in studies about regeneration, gene therapy, evolution, fertilization and the cures for certain diseases.

If we save the Axolotl we’ll be preserving a cute, delicious, wonder of nature that may be able to cure us of degenerative nerve diseases and make great pets. That should be more then enough reason to get involved.

They seam to be dying do to a combination of water pollution and the introduction of Tilapia to Lake Xochimilco. The Tilapia eat the axolotls eggs and young.

Scientists are rushing to establish Axolotl sanctuaries, most notably around the Isle of Dolls or La Isla de las Muñecas, so called because it inhabited by an eccentric old man who fishes doll from the lake and hangs them from every part of the island to ward off evil spirits. Could he be the axolotls savior?


If you’re interested in helping save the water monster, don’t eat Mexican Tilapia for starters. I’ve tried to find the organizations setting up the sanctuaries so that we can be more directly involved. If I get their contact info, I’ll post it here so everyone can help. Apparently it’s not easy to set up a wildlife sanctuary by Mexico City.

UPDATE

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature has put the Axolotl on its critical Red List. The Amphibian Department of the IUCN can be reached at the info below. Please contact them if you’d like to help save the water monster.

-BJ

Robin Moore, Ph.D
Amphibian Conservation Officer
Conservation International
2011 Crystal Drive, Suite 500
Arlington, VA 22202

Email: asg@conservation.org


Monster Mondays: Too Many Bigfoots

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yeti-sasquatch_low, originally uploaded by Boju.

Dapper Cadaver is going to to be visited by the Believe It Tour on Friday, Sept 26th as part of their ongoing quest to teach and learn about the all mysterious of the universe, but mainly Bigfoot.

In honor of the ambassadors of Sasquatch, I’m using Monster Mondays to shine some light on the whole Bigfoot clan. Cause there’s lots of bigfoots, or bigfeet as their known to “science.”

Think you can tell a wookie from Harry and The Hendersons? Take this quiz and find out. I’ll send something weird to the first person who get all the bigfoots correctly identified.

1. This Bigfoot lives in Brittish Columbia. It is 12 feet tall with bizarre long arms that end in yellow paddles. Unlike most apes, it only has 4 toes on its feet.

2. Native to Australia, Aborigines see this creature as part lizard, part ant, but the Brittish colonists saw it as a gorilla-size ape man resembling an orangutan.

3. Another 4 toed bigfoot, this one is from Malaysia. It resembles a black orangutan but walks like a man. It’s name means Snaggle Toothed Ghost.

4. This beast is believed by locals to be an ape-demon who converted to Buddhism. For this reason, they keep evidence of its existence enshrined in their monasteries.

5. A native to Vietnam, this bigfoot is only 6 feet tall. He’s covered in fur except for his noticeably bald knees. He eats fruit, leaves, monkeys, and bats.

6. This bigfoot stands anywhere from 5 to 10 feet tall and is covered in red fur. He lives in an enchanted part of China where rates of albinism amongst animals runs unusually high.

7. This is the bigfoot of the Southeast United States, a swamp dweller who smells like rotten eggs.

8. This bigfoot was found dead in Pennsylvania. Witnesses say it had large eyes, human features and was mask-like in appearance; large muscles, flat buttocks, 13 inch-long feet, a 6 inch-long penis, and smelled like a damp dog

9. This bigfoot looks like a man covered in fur but is only 3 feet tall. He lives in Sumatra.

10. This is an allegedly extinct prehistoric ape that stood over 10 feet tall and ate tough plant matter. It’s jawbones and skull fragments have been found in China.

11. This Scottish bigfoot is tall and lanky, covered in gray fur, and said to have a ghost like presence.

12. This is a bigfoot from Ontario Canada that looks like a normal bigfoot, except its head and mane are blond.

13. This ape man from Pakistan and Afghanistan sometimes is seen wearing crude animal skin clothing. He also has a nasty habit of kidnapping local women and attempting to mate with them.

14. This Missouri bigfoot is notable for it’s pumpkin like head.

15. Apelike descendants of australopithecines, the first human species. This group diverged and remained a hairy, bipedal ape that some believe may still exist as bigfoot.

16. An Ohio bigfoot found more in the grasslands than the forests.

17. This Mongolian ape-man is speculated to be a relic tribe of Neanderthals. Stories of them have them somewhat successfully interbreeding with humans.

The QUIZ has been won. The Answers are below

1. Pitt Lake Giant

2. The Yowie

3. Orang Mawa

4. Yeti

5.Người Rừng

6. Yeren

7. Skunk Ape

8. Pennsylvania creature

9. Orang Pendek

10. Gigantopithecus

11. Grayman/ fear liath

12. old yellow top

13. Barmanu

14. Momo the Monster

15.Paranthropus / robust australopithecines

16. Grassman

17. Almas


Monster Mondays: Wisconsin Weirdos

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hodag_capture, originally uploaded by Boju.

This edition of Dapper Cadaver’s Monster Monday’s is dedicated to my lovely Wisonsonian wife, Eileen.

Wisconsinites are a weird breed. As well as the beer basket of America, they’re also the home of Barnum and Baily, the House on The Rock, The Forevertron, and the only company in America that still makes straight jackets for use in mental institutions. Likewise their monsters fall a bit on the strange side. The following beasts are only visible to Wisconsinians.

Hodag -
The beast pictured above. A small rhino/dragon like beast that is the earthbound soul of Minnesota’s Babe the Blue Ox. The hodag had risen from the ashes of the ox. It was born when Paul Bunyan’s ox, Babe, was burned for seven years to cleanse its soul of the profanity hurled at it by lumberjacks and its master. The cleansed part of the oxes soul went to Heaven, and from the earthbound ashes rose the foul smelling Hodag. The hodag is now a popular team mascot for various Wisconsin teams.

Hoopsnake-
Rather than slithering, the hoopsnake bites it’s tale and rolls down hill like a hula hoop.

Birdman-
Spotted on a farm near Highway 82, the birdman is described as being 6 ft tall, with an enormous beak, and covered with yellow feathers. Farms where the birdman was seen recovered large yellow feathers. Young children in the area said they saw Sesame Street’s Big Bird outside their window.

Gallinipper-
A man lay in bed sleeping when her heard 2 droning voices. He opened his eyes without moving to see 2 mosquitoes over 1 feet long standing on his chest discussing their meal.
Mosquito 1: Should we eat him here or carrying him out?
Mosquito 2: We’ll eat him here. If we carry him out he might get stolen by one of big ones!
The Wisconsin mosquitos over 2 feet long are Gallinippers.

Agropelter-
The Argopelter was rarely seen, and no distinct description exists. However, it was said to inhabit hollow tree trunks in the forest. From this vantage point the creature would await any unwary person and hurl wooden splinters and branches at him or her. Although the human could sustain serious injury, there is no record of assault past this initial bombardment.

Whatsit-
A small gray rodent like creature unlike any found in Wisconsin. The Whatsit was found in 1939 on a farm in Elkhorn. Since everything on the farm was black and white, the farmer didn’t want a creature around messing up his color scheme so he gave the whatsit to a man named Adams. Adams found the Whatsit would eat only bananas and soon it gave birth to 2 little whatsits. The whatsit is now believed to be a Vesper Rat from Costa Rica.

Gillygaloo -
The gillygaloo is a large bird that lays square eggs on the sides of hills so they don’t roll away. It’s eggs can be hard boiled and used as dice.

Wolfman – Beast of Bray Road
Wisconsin is home to the most well documented werewolf in the world, and the only wolfman Cryptozoologists take seriously- The Beast of Bray Road. While it’s not believed to be Larry Talbots Wisconsin cousin transforming into a wolf, it is believed to be a six foot tall bipedal wolf, or if that’s too far fetched, then a wolf-like bigfoot named Eddy. Others think it’s a furry in costume pulling pranks. Others think it’s a regular wolf and people are hallucinating the walking around part.

Cheese Heads
These strange creatures are half-man half-cheese. They only come out from September to January. The young ones squeek. And most terrifying of all, they are unkillable


A Mexican Werewolf in England

From “Lo!” by Charles Fort, 1931. It is, I believe, a detailed account of 100 years of Chupacabra attacks in the UK and the Old World.


“In the month of May, 1810, something appeared at Ennerdale, near the border of England and Scotland, and killed sheep, not devouring them, sometimes seven or eight of them in a night, but biting into the jugular vein and sucking the blood. That’s the story. The only mammal that I know of that does something like this is the vampire bat. It has to be accepted that stories of the vampire bat are not myths. Something was ravaging near Ennerdale, and the losses by sheep farmers were so serious that the whole region
was aroused. It became a religious duty to hunt this marauder. Once, when hunters rode past a church, out rushed the whole congregation to join them, the vicar throwing off his surplice, on his way to a horse. Milking, cutting of hay, feeding of stock were neglected. For more details, see
Chambers’ Journal, 81-470. Upon the 12th of September, someone saw a dog in a cornfield, and shot it. It is said that this dog was the marauder, and that with its death the killing of sheep stopped.

For about four months, in the year 1874, beginning upon January 8th, a killer was abroad, in Ireland. In Land and Water, March 7, 1874, a correspondent writes that he had heard of depredations by a wolf, in Ireland, where the last native wolf had been killed in the year 1712. According to him, a killer was running wild, in Cavan, slaying as many as 30 sheep in one night. There is another account, in Land and Water, March 28. Here, a correspondent writes that, in Cavan, sheep had been killed in a way that led to the belief that the marauder was not a dog. This correspondent knew of 42 instances, in three townlands, in which sheep had been similarly killed—throats cut and blood sucked, but no flesh eaten. The footprints were like a dog’s, but were long and narrow, and showed traces of strong claws. Then, in the issue of April 11th, of Land and Water, came the news that we have been expecting. The killer had been shot. It had been shot by Archdeacon Magenniss, at Lismoreville, and was only a large dog.

This announcement ends the subject, in Land and Water. Almost anybody, anyway in the past, before suspiciousness against conventions had the development that it has today, reading these accounts down to the final one, would say—”Why, of course! It’s the way these stories always end up. Nothing to them.” But it is just the way these stories always end up that has kept me busy. Because of our experience with pseudo-endings of mysteries, or the mysterious shearing and bobbing and clipping of mysteries, I went more into this story that was said to be no longer mysterious. The large dog that was shot by the Archdeacon was sacrificed not in vain, if its story shut up the minds of readers of Land and Water, and if it be desirable somewhere to shut. up minds upon this earth.

See the Clare Journal, issues up to April 27th—the shooting of the large dog, and no effect upon the depredations—another dog shot, and the relief of the farmers, who believed that this one was the killer—still another dog shot, and supposed to be the killer—the killing of sheep continuing. The depredations were so great as to be described as “terrible losses for poor people.” It is not definitely said that something was killing sheep vampirishly, but that “only a piece was bitten off, and no flesh sufficient for a dog ever eaten.”

The scene of the killings shifted.

Cavan Weekly News, April 17—that, near Limerick, more than 100 miles from Cavan, “a wolf or something like it” was killing sheep. The writer says that several persons, alleged to have been bitten by this animal, had been taken to the Ennis Insane Asylum, “laboring under strange symptoms of insanity.”

It seems that some of the killings were simultaneous near Cavan and near Limerick. At both places, it was not said that finally any animal, known to be the killer, was shot or identified. If these things that may not be dogs be, their disappearances are as mysterious as their appearances.

There was a marauding animal in England, toward the end of the year 1905. London Daily Mail, Nov. 1, 1905—”the sheep-slaying mystery of Badminton.” It is said that, in the neighborhood of Badminton, on the border between Gloucestershire and Wiltshire, sheep had been killed. Sergeant Carter, of the Gloucestershire Police, is quoted—”I have seen two of the carcasses, myself, and can say definitely that it is impossible for it to be the work of a dog. Dogs are not vampires, and do not suck the blood of a sheep, and leave the flesh almost untouched.”

And, going over the newspapers, just as we’re wondering what’s delaying it, here it is—

London Daily Mail, December 19—”Marauder shot near Hinton.” It was a large, black dog.

So then, if in London any interest had been aroused, this announcement stopped it.

We go to newspapers published nearer the scene of the sheep-slaughtering. Bristol Mercury, November 25—that the killer was a jackal, which had escaped from a menagerie in Gloucester. And

p. 646

that stopped mystification and inquiry, in the minds of readers of the Bristol Mercury.

Suspecting that there had been no such escape of a jackal, we go to Gloucester newspapers. In the Gloucester Journal, November 4, in a long account of the depredations, there is no mention of the escape of any animal in Gloucester, nor anywhere else. In following issues, nothing is said of the escape of a jackal, nor of any other animal. So many reports were sent to the editor of this newspaper that he doubted that only one slaughtering thing was abroad. “Some even go so far as to call up the traditions of the werewolf, and superstitious people are inclined to this theory.”

We learn that the large, black dog had been shot upon December 16th, but that in its region there had been no reported killing of sheep, from about November 25th. The look of data is of another scene-shifting. Near Gravesend, an unknown animal had, up to December 16th, killed about 30 sheep (London Daily Mail, December 19). “Small armies” of men went hunting, but the killing stopped, and the unknown animal remained unknown.

I go on with my yarns. I no more believe them than I believe that twice two are four.

If there is continuity, only fictitiously can anything be picked out of the nexus of all phenomena; or, if there is only oneness, we cannot, except arbitrarily, find any two units with which even to start the sequence that twice two are four. And, if there is also discontinuity, all things are so individualized that, except arbitrarily and fictitiously, nothing can be classed with, or added to, anything else.

London Daily Express, Oct. 14, 1925—the district of Edale, Derbyshire, terrorized, quite as, centuries ago, were regions by stories of werewolves. Something, “black in color and of enormous size,” was slaughtering sheep, at night, “leaving the carcasses strewn about, with legs, shoulders, and heads torn off; broken backs, and pieces of flesh ripped off.” Many hunting parties had gone out, but had been unable to track the animal. “People in many places are so frightened that they refuse to leave their homes after dark, and keep their children in the house.” If something had mysteriously appeared, it then quite as mysteriously disappeared.

There are stories of wanton killings, or of bodies that were not fed upon. London Daily Express, Aug. 12, 1919—something that, at Llanelly, Wales, was killing rabbits, for the sake of killing—entering hutches at night, never taking rabbits, killing them by breaking their backbones.

Early in the morning of March 3, 1906, the sentry at Windsor Castle saw something, and fired a shot at it (London Daily Mail, March 6). The man’s account of what he thought he saw was not published. It was said that he had shot at one of the ornamental, stone elephants, which had looked ghostly in moonlight. He was sentenced to three days’ confinement in barracks, for firing without proper cause. It would be interesting to know what he thought he saw, with such conviction that he fired and risked punishment—and whether it had anything to do with

Daily Mail, March 22—that about a dozen of the King’s sheep, in a field near Windsor Castle, had been bitten by something, presumably a dog, so severely that they had to be killed. In the Daily Mail, March 19, is an account of extraordinary killing of sheep, “by dogs,” near Guildford, about 17 miles from Windsor. 51 sheep were killed in one night.

A woman in a field—something grabbed her. At first the story was of a marauding panther that must have escaped from a menagerie. See the Field, Aug. 12, 19, 1893—an animal, supposed to be an escaped panther, that was preying upon human beings, in Russia. Look up records of werewolves, or supposed werewolves, and note instances of attacks almost exclusively upon women. For a more particularized account, by General R. G. Burton, who was in Russia, at the time, see the Field, Dec. 9, 1893. General Burton had no opportunity to visit the place “haunted by this mysterious animal,” but he tells the story, as he got it from Prince Sherincki, who was active in the hunt. An unknown beast was terrorizing a small district in the Orel Government, south of Moscow. The first attack was upon the evening of July 6th. Three days later, another woman was grabbed by an undescribed animal, which she beat off, until help arrived. That day, a boy, aged 10, was killed and devoured. July 11th—a woman killed, near Trosna. “At four o’clock, on the 14th, the beast severely wounded another woman and at
five o’clock, made another attack upon a peasant girl, but was beaten off by a companion, who pulled the animal off by the tail. These details are taken from the official accounts of the events.”

There was a panic, and the military authorities were appealed to. 3 officers and 40 men were sent from Moscow. They organized beats that were composed of from 500 to 1,000 peasants, but all hunts were unsuccessful. On the 24th of July, four women were attacked, and one of them was killed.

Something was outwitting 3 officers and 40 men, and armies of 1,000 peasants. War was declared. Prince Sherincki, with 10 officers and 130 men, arrived from St. Petersburg. We notice that in uncanny occurrences, when there is wide publicity, or intense excitement, phenomena stop—or are stopped. War was declared upon something, but it disappeared. “According to general descriptions, the animal was long, with a blunt muzzle, and round, standing-up ears, with a long, smooth, hanging tail.”

We know what to expect.

In the Field, Dec. 23, 1893, it is said that, after a study of sketches of the spoor of the animal, the naturalist Alferachi gave his opinion that the animal was a large dog. He so concluded because of the marks of protruding nails in the sketches.

But also it is said that plaster casts of the footprints showed no such marks. It is said that the nail marks had been added to the sketches, because of assertions by hunters that nail marks had been seen. Writing 30 years later (Chambers’ Journal, ser. 7, vol. 14, p. 308) General Burton tells of the animal as something that had never been identified.”


Monster Mondays: Chupacabras around the world

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4 ft chupacabra 2, originally uploaded by Boju. This is a prop chupacabra I built for a freak show.

As part of the Dapper Cadaver Blog’s Monster Mondays project today I bring you another cryptid on the brink of being real – The Chupacabra, or in Spanish, El Chupacabra.

The Chupcabra has only been with us a little over 10 years, being named in Puerto Rico in 1995. It was described as a reptilian or alien looking bipedal creature with huge eyes, a round head, and spikes down it’s back. But the Puerto Rican Chupe bears little resemblance to the globe trotting hairless vampire dog thats been seen from Chile to Maine, and even Russia. Our Chupacabra haunts mostly Mexico and Texas, where its occasionally described as a hairless kangaroo-dog with spikes down it’s back, or just an ugly wrinkled hairless dog, with a huge muzzle, and saber-like fangs. They can travel by running or hopping. I wonder if the hopping may be due to injury or disease? From the Russian Chupacabra of 2006 ““It’s definitely a chupacabra! It has small front and large hind paws. To begin with the animal was walking on four legs, stood on its hind legs at the water, lifting up its long tail, and then started jumping like a kangaroo,” he says. In May Dmitry is determined to seek out the Russian chupacabra along with colleagues from the Ural Ufology Monitoring Station.”

In Texas multiple corpses have been recovered, centered around Cuero Texas, and most recently a video of a Chupe running down the street looking a lot like a mexican hairless. DNA evidence shows it to be closely related to, or a diseased, domestic dog or coyote.

If we drop the name Chupacabra from this tale, which is a completely different looking Puerto Rican monster that also sucks the blood of livestock, then the story gets older, and more interesting. The earliest “Chupacabra” attack I could find is in England nearly 200 years ago.

It goes something like this – “In the month of May, 1810, something appeared at Ennerdale, near the border of England and Scotland, and killed sheep, not devouring them, sometimes seven or eight of them in a night, but biting into the jugular vein and sucking the blood….Upon the 12th of September, someone saw a dog in a cornfield, and shot it. It is said that this dog was the marauder, and that with its death the killing of sheep stopped” -Charles Fort

Charles Fort then recounts of another Vampire Dog attack in Ireland in 1847, likening them to vampire bats, but finding it difficult to believe dogs can be vampires. As with the Chupacabra, the livestock was killed and drained of blood, but the body left in tact. When giant canine tracks were discovered near the kill sites, locals began shooting stray dogs on sight. During this wave of attacks several people were attacked an bitten by the vampire dogs, and suffered strange symptoms and madness. I highly recommend that anyone interested in this topic read the accounts of Charles Fort, as he goes through nearly 100 years of UK Chupacabra sightings.
For the next 200 years, vampire dog attacks have sporadically appeared. Like today’s Chupacabra attacks, the vampire dog attacks come in waves. They’re devastating at the time, often taking dozens of livestock and whipping people into a panic, but the soon halt. Whatever is going on, it’s clear we’re not dealing with a species that feeds on blood to survive generation after generation. Could we be dealing with a mutant? A disease? A madness? Malnutrition? The Supernatural? Could something be driving otherwise normal canines to become vampires?

Here’s one of the Texas Chupe specimens. It’s DNA showed it was most likely a coyote, but the muzzle is much thicker and the canine fangs are much longer. While mange may explain hair loss, something else would need to explain the changes to this “coyotes” teeth, snout, and behavior.

***************UPDATE*************UPDATE***************

I’ve been looking into canine diseases ever since I compared the US and English Chupa attacks. The English reports don’t mention hair loss as the Texas reports do, so we can disregard this as a symptom in the UK “Vampire dog” cases.

Although I could find no reports of rabies leading to blood drinking, the symptoms are interesting.

“The rabid animal may next enter a “furious” stage where it wanders about biting everything whether it moves or not.  It then develops paralysis of the throat, which makes swallowing difficult.”

It’s reasonable to assume that a starving animal which cannot swallow may try to sustain itself on a liquid diet, like a sick person drinking 7 Up and chicken soup, but for a carnivore that chicken soup would be blood. Again, this is speculation. We all know rabies can cause dementia in humans. However, by the mid 1800′s scientists including Louis Pasteur were working on vaccines for the disease, so if it was known, would so many cases of it go undiagnosed?

In the US a common symptom of Chupacabras is hair loss. If we assume a sore throat or difficulty swallowing to be the cause of the blood sucking, then I could only find one canine disease with both symptoms – Leishmania.

Leishmania is most commonly found in South and Central America. The Baker Institute Report notes that Leishmania has been reported in 21 states, and parts of Canada, but is rare. “Only if you live in southern Texas might the risk be significant” The territory of this disease fully coincides with chupacabra central. It causes hair loss, scabby or scaly skin, and swollen glands that can make swallowing difficult. It also can cause lameness which could explain why so many Chupas are described as hopping.


Monster Mondays Special: Bigfoot Corpse found in Georgia

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bigfoot_wideweb__470x379,0, originally uploaded by Boju.

Another special report from Dapper Cadaver’s Monster Monday Blog. A couple of hunters are claiming to have found the body of a bigfoot in the backwoods of Georgia, USA. Good, lets see the body. They’ll announce their findings this Friday in Palo Alto, CA, including DNA evidence, and I should hope, the body itself. So far all that’s been released is the above photo.

The claims and the evidence for Bigfoot.
1. The Photo- photos are not proof. Plain and simple. The above photo could be fake, or it could be real, and unless you can spot something absolute like a zipper, there’s not much we can say about it. Props and costumes are designed to look real, so there’s not reason it can’t be a fake. Also, real things can easily appear fake in photographs, like the below gorilla corpse

2. DNA – Seems fool proof, but even this is going to be a tricky sell. Quick DNA tests are used to determine what something is NOT, so they’re compared against known samples. Since bigfoot is an unknown sample, they’ll need to sequence a lot of DNA to show that this is a new species. For comparison, the Chupacabra specimens that were found showed a 98% match with Coyotes, leading experts to conclude they were coyotes. While 98% sounds like a lot, remember that Humans share 98% of the genome of a chimpanzee. even 2% is talking about hundreds of thousands of different genes. Enough to establish a species.

3. The body. This is the only thing that counts. We need to see bones. We need to see stomach contents. We need to know this is a beast physically different from other apes and humans, and by it’s stomach determine that it did in fact live in Georgia.

4. The finders – these guys are known bigfoot hunters, and known bigfoot haoxsters. One of them has a book coming out soon, so this could all be free publicity. It’s already been revealed that the “Scientist” in their you tube video was a fraud. Sure, they spend a lot of time looking for bigfoot, but they also have falsely claimed to have evidence before.

That’s pretty much everything to keep in mind. Many a bigfoot has been seen in the south east, and a friend of mine from Louisiana is the only person I know who swears to have seen one. His description of a 7 foot reddish brown ape with 4-5″ inch shaggy fur, a black face, and a beard quite accurately matches the beast found. And he saw his more than 20 years ago. I myself doubted the existence of bigfoot until a few years ago. Any creature that large, whether alive or extinct, should have left bones, and up until a few years ago, no ape or human skeleton taller than modern man had ever been found. Even neanderthals, who are larger than us in many ways, are roughly the same height as us. Then they found the jawbones of Gigantopithecus, a 7 – 10 ft tall ape that lived a hundred thousand years ago in China. Now bigfoot has a plausible descent. Unlike modern apes and humans that eat fruits, vegetables, meat, and tender leafs, Giganto evolved to eat tough plants, like bamboo, grass, mature leaves, and pine needles. It’s entirely likely this beast could survive in the southern swamps and northern woods. And as similar as it is in diet to the Panda, it could be similar too in it’s elusive behavior. The Panda was not proven to exist until the 1927.
Here’s a reconstruction of what Giganto was thought to look like


Monster Mondays: The Monster of Troy

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monster of troy, originally uploaded by Boju.

First off, I’d like to thank everyone who contributed to the Montauk Monster identification last week. High resolution photos were finally released, clearly showing raccoon paws. Congratulations if you correctly IDed the beast as a raccoon.

The response was incredible, and several new and plausible theories were brought forward, so this week, the Dapper Cadaver Blog would like to invite you to help unravel one of the most ancient monster mysteries in history – The Monster of Troy. Depicted on a Greek vase circa 560-540 BC, a huge, ghastly skull is seen emerging from a cliff as the heroes shot it with arrows. Its unusual in that most monsters of the Greeks are shown alive, enacting myths. This may be an actual record of a monster skull, a fossil skull, be unearthed, and I believe in good enough detail to positively ID the beast.

Important to note is that the Monster of Troy is sometimes described as a land monster, and sometimes as a sea monster, so we can’t rule either out. It’s known that the Greeks unearthed many ice age mammal skeletons, but the open boney ring around the eye, called scleral ossicles are only found in birds, dinosaurs, and reptiles, and the open sinus in front of the eye suggests a dinosaur or bird.

Paleontologists have suggested some of the following possibilities
Prehistoric Giraffes

Giraffes do have forward facing teeth and thick jaw bones. However, they don’t have open sinuses or scleral ossicles, and they do have horns, which a monster artist would have included.

A Giant Ostrich

Aside from the scleral ossicles, which are so delicate they’re rarely preserved, I don’t see how anyone could mistake an ostrich for the monster of Troy.

A Prehistoric Whale

This is a pretty good sea monster. It’s huge, has forward facing teeth, and an open sinus. However, no scleral ossicles because no mammal has the bony eye ring.

That’s all I could find on expert opinions. Here are some beasts I dug up as candidates. Remember, the bony ring around the eyes, the scleral ossicles, are rarely preserved, but are believed to be present in all dinosaurs.

Diplodocus (dinosaur)

Carnivorous Dinosaur

Plesiosaur (marine reptile)

Mososaur (marine reptile)

Hippo Skull (mammal)

Entelodont skull (mammal)

Although difficult to see in the fossils, scientists have found evidence that both Elasmosaurus and Plateosaurus had scleral ossicals (also known as sclerotic plates) Here’s a Plateosaurus with forward facing teeth, a massive jaw, and sclerotic plates in the eye sockets

UPDATES

The black mass behind the skull was once thought to be the ocean, and is now thought to be a cliff or cave. The curious thing about the skull is that it is a skull, and not a mythological beast. The greeks found many ice age mammal bones, but they tended to interpret them as gods and monsters, and illustrate them as alive. A famous example being elephant skulls and cyclopses

A Giant Wolf Eel SKull?


ANOTHER PICTURE OF THE MONSTER OF TROY – ALIVe


KRONOSAUR


MORE PREHISTORIC WHALES


Monster Monday's Special Report: Montauk Monster

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montauk monster 1, originally uploaded by Boju.

Special Weekend report from Dapper Cadaver’s Monster Mondays
Early last week a hairless beast, roughly 3 feet long washed up on Montauk beach near Long Island. It was named the Montauk Monster. Multiple witnesses at various times during the day reported it, and several people photographed it. However, before the body could be analyzed, one of the locals scooped it up declaring they were going to mount it on their wall. This leaving no body, an unsolved mystery, and an internet sensation.

Here’s what we know. The beast is about 3 feet long, nearly hairless, with what appears to be a beak lined with teeth in the lower jaw. It has a tail, no obvious injuries, and apparently finger like claws. Two photographs show the creature at different times of day, and in different positions. Locals reported the waves were rolling it. Here’s the second photo, although they may be of different beasts.

If this is the same beast, it’s important to note it has a nasal opening and ears, like a mammal. The change in color is baffling though.

Several theories have surfaced as to what the Montauk Monster is. I’ll examine them from an anatomical perspective one by one.

1. It’s a sea turtle that’s lost it’s shell
Evidence for: It’s about the size of a sea turtle, it has a beak.
Evidence against: It has hair, ears, and teeth. It’s elbows point back, while a reptiles elbows point up. Also, a turtles shell contains it’s spine and ribs. It can’t simply fall out, and if it was ripped out, its back would be a bloody shapeless mess.

My Opinion: It’s definitely not a sea turtle

2. It’s a raccoon
Evidence for: It’s about the size of a raccoon. The beak is probably exposed skull (not unusual) The lower jaw dentation match the dentation of a raccoon. Both the monster and raccoons have fingers.
Evidence against: Raccoon paws are actually more like human or monkey hands, these hands appear straight , square, and thumbless, and if you look closely, he’s flipping you off. Nearly all carnivores have similar lower jaws. No upper teeth. Most importantly his neck is thicker than his head, indicating he couldn’t look all the way to the side (90′). Raccoons have slim, flexible necks. For comparison, here’s a raccoon skull, and a raccoon taxidermy form showing what they look like beneath their fur.

My opinion: It’s not a raccoon

3. It’s a pit bull
Evidence for: size and shape, lower jaw. Thick neck.
Evidence against: No upper teeth, and most importantly, the hands of the Montauk Monster appear finger/claw-like, not paw/pad-like.
My opinion: It’s not a pit bull.

4. It’s a fake
Evidence for: cynicism, monsters are hot right now.
Evidence against: So many unconnected witnesses, it would have to be quite a conspiracy, with a great prop building budget, and for no obvious gain.
My opinon: It’s not a fake.

My theory- it’s a badger
Evidence for: Badgers have matching lower dentation, thick necks, and straight claw like fingers. They also do have tails, although they’re hard to see when the badger has fur. Also, most mammals have skin pigmentation that in some way correlates with their fur cover. The white haunches and paws of this creature match the white underbelly of a badger.
Evidence against: Badgers aren’t supposed to live in the North East.
Badger with fur, showing tail

Badger skull

Furless body form used for badger taxidermy, not the similarities to the monster

5. It’s an unknown creature.
Evidence for: There is no perfect match between the Montauk Monster and any known North Eastern carnivores.

6. NEW THEORY – It’s a nutria or other large water rodent.

Evidence for: it was found in the water. Similar paws.
Evidence against: Too large, wrong anatomy, completely mismatched skull

My Opinion: It’s not a nutria.


Monster Mondays: The Flathead Lake Monster

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monster4, originally uploaded by Boju.

As part of the Dapper Cadaver Blog’s Monster Monday’s project, today i bring you a sea creature from land locked Montana, The Flathead Lake Monster.

The fat and skinny of this beast is a 20-40 foot long creature variously described as a serpent, a fish, a whale, a dragon, and a pleisiosaur (aka Nessie).

It was first seen in 1889 and inhabits Flathead Lake in Montana, the largest lake west of the Mississippi. Since then it has been seen well over 80 reported times. The people of the area keep diligent records on it. It’s been three years to this very day since the last sighting, July 28th, 2005.

A moment on the pleisiosaur phenomenon – the fossil record has yielded no evidence of any fresh water pleisiosaurs ever. However, nearly all lake monster are described as pleisiosaurs. What makes the pleisiosaur so special, so iconic, that it has burned itself into our collective unconscious as “The Sea Monster” is, I believe, a matter of timing. The pleisiosaur is the first “dinosaur” (technically marine reptile) ever discovered. It’s unveiling marked the first time post enlightenment man was confronted with undeniable evidence that here there be dragons. We’re so used to the idea of dinoasurs and giants in the distant past that we cannot begin to understand the impact the first one had on our consciousness, especially in 1824, at a time when science and rationalism explicitly made it a mission of dispelling myth and superstition. Since then, all sea monsters look like pleisiosaurs some of the time.

Aside from the normal lake monster stuff- sightings by fishermen, campers, and motorists; no attacks, no photos, and no evidence- The Flathead Lake Monster has a remarkable talent for branding. It’s the only Lake Monster I’m aware of that’s both Registered and incorporated It also has it’s own brand of soda, which is very sweet, quite a bargain, and not very good monster bait.


Monster Mondays: Ebu Gogo

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ebugogo2, originally uploaded by Boju.

Part of The Dapper Cadaver Blog’s Monster Mondays
When Captain Cook first landed on the Isle of Flores and brought the island to attention of the Western world, the natives told him they were not alone.

They said the island was also inhabited by little people calle Ebu Gogo or Ebu Gobo.

Later anthroplogists gathered more stories of the Ebu Gogo. Ebu means grandmother, and while Gogo or Gobo has no direct translation, it roughly means little grandmother who eats everything. Unlike the little people of Ireland and elsewhere, the Ebu Gogo had no magical powers. The natives considered them at best a pest, and a worst a dangerous boogie man that would eat children. They were only a few feet tall, with large arms and other monkey like traits, but not quite monkeys, and not quite people. They spoke their own language and wore clothing.

The natives tell their children not to wander in the woods or the Ebu Gogo will eat them.

The natives also say how the last Ebu Gogo died.

The Ebu Gogo had become an increasing nuisance in the village, stealing crops and livestock and damaging property. The villages wanted to make peace with them, so they invited them to a festival. A great bonfire was lit, and though the Ebu Gogo seemed to fear the fire, they all sat around it, human and little person alike. Then the foods were served. The Ebu Gogo did not know how to use plates or silverware, and through their utensils to the ground, which was a great insult to their hosts. They then ate everything, their share and the villagers share alike. One Ebu Gogo grabbed a human baby, and began eating that. At once the Ebu Gogo were chased out of town, where they holed up in a cave. The humans did not want to go in the cave, for they might be trapped, so they came up with a plan.

The next day they came to the mouth of the cave and told the Ebu Gogo that they wanted to make peace again, and they brough new clothes as a peace offering. With long bamboo poles they pushed in the clothing, which the Ebu Gogo began putting on. The clothes however were soaked in the natives lighter fluid type oil, and when all the Ebu Gogo were dressed the human burned the bamboo poles and lit all the Ebu Gogo on fire, burning them alive.

Up until 2 years ago the stories were considered to be about fantastical fairies, or monkeys, even though the natives insisted they were people.

Then a skull turned up in a cave belonging to a human less then 3 feet tall with a brain no bigger than a chimpanzee. Even dwarfs of similar stature only have brains about 15% smaller than a full size person, but this person had a brain nearly half our size. At first the evidence seemed to support it being a freak, a microcephalic individual, but then more bones turned up. In all 9 tiny individuals have been unearthed, stretching a time span of thousands of years. The youngest specimen dates back merely 12,000 years at a time when humans were thought to be the lone hominid on earth, and we had already begun agriculture.

The bones have been named Flores Man, and nicknamed the Hobbit.
They seem to be descendant from Homo Erectus.


Dark Spots in Tinsel Town: Monster Hunting in LA

10. Bigfoot

You make think Bigfoots are only a Northwoods beast, but Los Angeles has 3 distinct breeds of city ape. The first is your standard bigfoot, 6-11 ft tall shaggy gigantopithecus. The first sighting came in 1973 when a full sized Macho Sasquatcho chased down a pick up truck out in San Fernando Valley. The beast got close enough to the vehicle that they could smell its breath, which they later told reporters was “stinky.” In 1974 a bigfoot was actually seen in the city, between 45th st and 47th st on Quartz Hill.

Best places to go bigfoot hunting: Big Rock Canyon in San Fernando Valley, Quartz Hill in the San Gabriel Mountains, Azusa at the San Gabriel Mountain Foothills, Campgrounds in Santa Clarita, Elizabeth Lake, Lancaster.

9. Skunk Ape
Bigfoots little brother is most commonly sighted in Florida, but he’s also been seen in Palos Verdes and Redondo Beach, moving in and out of the suburbs via the sewers and knocking over trash cans for food. Skunk ape stands about 4 to 5 feet tall and reeks.
Best Place to go Skunk Ape hunting: Palos Verdes near the Dominator shipwreck. Redondo beach fields and suburbs at night.

8. The Beast of Billiwhack

The third kind of LA bigfoot might not be an ape at all. Seen once in Santa Paula and once in nearby Ojai, the Billiwhack beast has an shaggy, grey-black ape-like body, but an extended muzzle and goat like horns. It may be related to the Krampus or Wampa. Known to raid farms for chicken, corn, and dairy products.

Best places to go Billiwhack hunting: The Billiwhack Dairy in Aliso Canyon, Santa Paula, farms and forests in the San Rafael mountains and Ojai.

7. Starcle Men

Believed to be visiting aliens or inter-dimensional beings, Starcle men are mysterious in nature and seem to only appear to people in an altered state of consciousness.

Best place to see Starcle Men – Sewers and tunnels beneath LA. Signs of their pressence is marked by locals with angry eyed, star man graffiti.

5.Gray Aliens – Out in Lancaster it seams everyone has seen a UFO at one point or another, and locals get into heated debates as to whether Gray Aliens have a sinister plan for us, or are the good guys trying to save us from the evil Reptoids. The mankind united cult of the 1930′s and the scien-ology cult of today both base a lot of their doctrine on the earthly struggles of good and bad extra terrestrials.

Best place to spot UFO’s – Mt Baldy, Giant Rock in Landers, Lancaster.

4. Sea Serpents

Sailors off the California coast from Monterey to Mexico occasionally reported seeing giant, hundred foot long sea serpents with human faces staring up at them from beneath the surface of the water or skimming along the surface. And it turned out to be real. Oar Fish like the one pictured above can reach hundreds of feet in length, exhibit all the behaviors of the California sea serpent, and even have a flat face and forehead, that at night or through the distortion of the water could easily be seen as human.

Best Place to go Sea Serpent Hunting: East Cape of Baja California, San Diego.


3. The Thunderbird

Since native American times people have reported seeing gigantic birds of prey flying over the Los Angeles valley with wings so powerful they sound like thunder and bring storms.. Some people even claim to have found their enormous feathers. In the La Brea Tar Pits bones of vultures that would dwarf even the larges condor have been found, leading some to speculate the Thunderbird may be a surviving Ice Age Vulture.

Best Place to see the ThunderBird: The La Brea Tar Pits Museum


2. Demons of Elizabeth Lake

Elizabeth Lake, near Lancaster, was believed by the natives to be a gateway to Hell. From that lake witnesses have seen Dragons, Giant Bats, Giant Pythons,and Reptoids emerge. Livestock near that water have been mysteriously devoured. In the 1880′s a farmer saw a six legged bulldog with bat wings feeding on a steer, he opened fire on it with his colt .45 but the bullets bounced off. In the 1990′s a horned kangaroo with bat wings was seen bounding away from the lake in broad daylight. Several goat carcasses were found mysteriously killed that week.

Best Place to go Demon Hunting: Elizabeth Lake, Lancaster

1. Reptoids

Reptoids are, according to legends, a race of reptilian men that live in tunnels and underground cities throughout Los Angeles and Lancaster. Stories about them date back to Indian times, some Indians called the “Snake Brothers,” others lived in terror of them. All manner of conspiracies are linked back through them, from drug epidemics to UFO’s to genetic engineering to the Illuminati to government mind control. They may be evolved Dinosaurs, Aliens, Demons, or interdimensional beings. They can be invisible. They feed on fear and will climb onto people back to control them, menace them and eat their fear. The mouths of their subterranean tunnels are believed to be in Lancaster. For more info check out http://www.reptoids.com.

Best Places to Go Reptoid Hunting: Elizabeth Lake, Lancaster, Fort Moore Hill, the public library on Fifth st, the Southwest museum on museum dr, at the foot of Mt Washington.


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