Christmas Music for Freaks, Geeks, and Weirdos
This weekend was my first big Christmas Shopping weekend, and after 5 hours of listening to the sugar plum sweet sounds of the season, I needed an insulin shot. Not only are the classics unbearably sentimental and cheesy, but I can’t even relate to them – I’m a California boy, there’s no such thing as a “White Christmas” out here. Still, I like having appropriately seasonal music for my christmas parties, tree trimmings, and present rapping sessions, so below I’ve published my list of off-beat songs for the Christmas Season.
The Residents â€“ Santa Dog and Dumbo the Clown
Classic. Perhaps the strangest Christmas songs of all time.
They Might Be Giants â€“ The Bells are Ringing
Explores the connections between xmas music and mind control
Oingo Boingo â€“ The Cat is Dead
A sweet childrens chorus delighting in their tale of offing every member of the family
Akira Soundtrack – Dolls Polyphony
Music from a scene in the film when dolls and teddy bears magically come to life only to latter attack. Sweet, childish, and creepy all at the same time.
Danny Elfman â€“ Nightmare Before Xmas and Edward Scissorhands soundtracks
Aphex Twin â€“ Girl/Boy Song
There something classically Christmas to this song, and then there are breakbeats. Perfect for breakdancers out on the promenade at Christmas.
Perrey Kingsley â€“ Baroque Hoedown
Classic moog experimental cheesiness makes the perfect soundtrack for toystores
lHans Reichel â€“ Bubu and his Friends, and Street Song
A jolly little jingle played on a wooden daxophone. Whatâ€™s a daxophone you say? Iâ€™m glad you asked
King Missile â€“ The Bunny Who Wanted to be a Rat
A Christmas wish to eat garbage and spread disease
Cibo Mato â€“ The Candy Man
We all know this one from the original Willy Wonka movie, but Cibo Mato make it sound so sexy.
Wesley Willis â€“ Chicken Cow
About a mythological beast that only comes out in the dead of winter and can flap like a bird and stab you in the ass
Tom Waits or Ghost of the Robot â€“ Chocolate Jesus
Letâ€™s take the two things everyone likes about Christmas and hold our Christmas mass in a candy store.
Traditional -Carol of the Bells
No other traditional carol expresses the anxiety I feel at Christmas so well.
The A-team â€“ Christmas Claws
Screaming hardcore thatâ€™s hard to figure out, but they do yell Christmas a couple times, so it counts. â€œho ho ho fucking hoâ€
Run DMC- Christmas in Hollis
Too christmasy to be cool, too old school to be cheesy.
Baboon Torture Division â€“ Cobras
A track composed entirely with a rewired singing santa doll. Sounds like the devil.
Dresden Dolls- Coin Operated Boy
Finally a sex doll for girls.
Cowboy Bebop soundtrackâ€“ Green Bird
Sounds like a traditional religious choir, but was specifically compossed for a scene of brutal mob violence. Why do these two great tastes taste so great together?
Pogues- Fairytale of New York
Spend Christmas Eve in the Drunktank this year
Rolling Stones or Only a Mother â€“ Motherâ€™s Little helper
Momâ€™s on drugs, whatâ€™s more christmasy than that?
Rasputina â€“ Gingerbread Coffin
Because gingerbread houses are for kids who donâ€™t use their dollys for black mass
Tom Leher – Hanukah in Santa Monica
While there arenâ€™t that many Hanukah songs, their batting average is way higher.
Richard Cheese â€“ Holiday in Cambodia
The Dead Kennedyâ€™s classic gets the full tilt holiday treatment
Only a Mother â€“ How they Show Their Love
About families and force feedings
Ralph Carney â€“ Solstice Time
Tom Waitsâ€™s horn player gives us a appropriately cheesy secular Christmas song dedicated to feasting and solar orbits.
Dan Bern â€“ Jerusalem
Tired of waiting for the second coming? Dan Bern is your man.
Traditional – Korobeiniki
Better known in this country as that Tetris song. To me Russia means Christmas, because itâ€™s snowy, and there are pine trees and the kremlin looks Christmassy, and even the big fur coats look christmassy. I bet thatâ€™s why Russians are so jolly
Mastodon â€“ Linus and Lucy
A Charlie Brown Christmas goes Metal
Logan Whitehurst â€“ Snowman and Me
The Ramones â€“ Punk Rock Christmas and Weâ€™re a Happy Family
Babyland – Mini Mall
Industrial anti-mall rage
Momus â€“ Old Friend, New Flame
The ultimate gift a friend can give you is his girlfriend
Nick Cave â€“ Opium Tea
Between the call to prayer and the thinking of his children, I do believe this is a lonely junkyâ€™s Christmas.
Depeche Mode or Johnny Cash â€“ Personal Jesus
Who knew you could play the same song for both cynicism and sincerity and have it work and rock both ways?
LL Cool J – Rock the Bells
So much better than jingle bell rock
Sleepytime Gorilla Museum â€“ Sleepytime
Play this song to get your kids ready for beddy by and theyâ€™ll never forget it.
Leonard Cohen â€“Story of Isaac
What does god want for Christmas? Your son.
Tiger Lillies â€“ Struwwelpeter
Good kids get pretty picture books for Christmas, bad kids get horribly disfigured.
Soul Coughing â€“ Drunk on the Train to Chicago
Going home for the holidays is a great chance to get drunk on the way.
Primus â€“ Toys go Winding Down
Totally Rad – Turtle Eggs and Mumblety Pegs